Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner or family member. It can include physical abuse, emotional or psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, or spiritual abuse.

Abuse is action or treatment of another person that intentionally causes harm or distress. There are many forms of abuse:

• Physical abuse may include hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, denying medical care, and hair pulling.

• Sexual abuse may include marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

• Emotional abuse may include isolation, verbal assault, humiliation, intimidation or damaging one’s relationship with her/his children.

• Psychological abuse may include intimidation, threatening physical harm to self or the partner’s children/family/friends, destruction of property, and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

• Financial abuse may include withholding one’s access to money, or forbidding one’s attendance at school or employment.

• Spiritual abuse may include manipulating the victim's religious or spiritual beliefs to exert control or preventing the victim’s practice of their religious or spiritual beliefs.

All types of abuse are devastating to victims and have far-reaching effects on children, family members, friends, other witnesses, and the greater community.

If you are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence or abuse, please know that you are not alone and we are here to help.

According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS) in 2010, only 19.6% of the Asian population acknowledge being victims of intimate partner violence, sexual violence and stalking. However, researchers of Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence found that the true percentage among AAPI who have experienced intimate physical and/or sexual violence is between 20-55% from analyzing several quantitative mental health studies.

In the Chinese community, the idea that domestic violence is a private family matter prevents many victims from reporting the abuse. Many cases of domestic violence are only reported when victims seek medical help and sadly numerous cases are never reported.

Victims of domestic violence feel trapped in an abusive relationship for a variety of complex reasons. One key fact is that abusive partners make it very difficult for victims to leave. Often, there is a real fear and risk that the abuser will become even more violent if she/he leaves. Victims also tend to lack the support structure needed to leave since abusers tend to isolate victims from family, friends, other outside contact, and access to financial resources.

Victims also often experience social pressures to stay and conflicting emotions about leaving. Due to traditional notions in the Chinese community such as “Do not wash your dirty linen in public”, “Harmonious family relationships are the most precious”, and the wish to prevent their children from the stigma of living in a broken home, our clients often experience many mental, social, and emotional barriers to leaving an abusive relationship right away.

Whether or not a survivor decides to leave their abusive partner, their safety is our top priority.

Many abusive relationships last for years without anyone knowing, but there are usually warning signs. These are some common signs displayed by victims of abuse*:

• Their partner insults them in front of other people

• They seem constantly worried about angering their partner

• They make excuses for their partner’s poor or violent behavior

• Their partner is extremely jealous and possessive (ie: Constant calls, texts, or tracking by their partner wanting to know where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with)

• They have unexplained marks or injuries. They may also attempt to cover up their injuries by wearing heavy makeup or more clothing than usual such as a scarf or long-sleeved shirt on a hot day

• They stop spending time with family and friends because of their partner

• They are depressed, anxious, or display changes in personality

These signs don’t necessarily prove someone is being abused— every domestic abuse situation is different and not every individual will react the same way; however, keeping these common signs in mind and recognizing when something is not right is important to keeping yourself and others safe.

It can feel hard to know what to say or do when you suspect someone is being abused or if someone in an abusive relationship comes to you for support.

Helping someone suffering from domestic violence is difficult and takes patience, but you can change that person’s life by being informed and starting a conversation.

When someone you know is being abused:

• Learn the warning signs of abuse and gather information about domestic violence programs and resources in your area that can help. Refer a friend or family who needs help to Garden of Hope through our contact page.

• Spend time with them and ask if they’re safe or need someone to talk to.

• Start a conversation and listen without judgment. You can bring up the subject by saying “I’m worried about you because…” or “I’ve noticed these changes that concern me. Is there anything going on that you want to talk about?”

  If they are not ready to open up yet, gently voice your concerns and keep opportunities for future conversation open.

• Believe the victim and validate their feelings. Never blame or criticize. You can make it clear that abuse and violence is wrong without judging the victim or their choices.

• Provide practical help such as offering to babysit while they attend a counseling session or provide transportation to help them get to support services.

• Help with a safety plan. Encourage them to come up with a plan to protect themselves and their children from harm.

  A safety plan may include keeping a packed bag of clothes, important documents, and medication hidden in a safe place or with a trusted friend, preparing a list of people to call in an emergency, coming up with a code word or phrase to let children and other trusted people know that they are in danger without alerting the abuser, and identifying safe areas in the house where they can hide that also have an escape route

• Respect their choices. It’s heartbreaking to see someone we care about stay in an abusive relationship but everyone needs to make their own decision about when to get help. Be patient

  You can continue to be a lifeline for them by listening, letting them know they are not alone, reminding them of their strengths, and offering them options.